Four Ways To Build Resilience
Four Ways To Build Resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, and it is a critical psychological skill to develop in life and work. Here are four ways to develop it.
Today in Sunday Letters, we’re taking a practical approach to the challenges of life and work. The following material is taken from version 2 of the book “How To Build Resilience”, originally published Aug 2020. I’m currently updating the title to include revised chapters, new bonus chapters and additional resources for resilience building. Version 2 of “How To Build Resilience” will be available to all paying supporters of Sunday Letters for free in digital download epub, Mobi, and PDF format. The print version will be available on Amazon. You can get your free copy of the book by becoming a patron of The Sunday Letters Journal.
Rather than resilience being the psychological means to withstand difficult conditions, it is the ability to get back on our feet after those conditions cause us a setback. It is not the ability to remain unaffected by negativity and trauma. Instead, resilience is the mental strength needed to cope and manage the difficulties of life. And thankfully, just like a muscle, we can train and develop its strength.
Our thoughts about ourselves, abilities, confidence, self-efficacy, and our place in the world can often be buffered by circumstance, and depending on the habit of thought we have developed, these conditions can keep us down. We might perform well in one area of life, such as work, and less well in relationships, for example. Or we may experience challenges across the full spectrum of life. We may look at others who represent all that is successful to us and lament our lack of progress. One thing leads to another, and momentum in a negative direction takes hold. We examine our lives and decide that it is one enormous failure.
I regard myself as resilient. I can deal with challenges, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel them and even break down. Just as you are likely to have had bad times in life, so too have I. When I reflect on the events of my life in relationships and work, for example, they hold two of the most difficult series of experiences. I just wished they hadn’t happened at the time, but today I am grateful because I would not be who I am without them. Personal resilience is the reason people who experience negative life events get back on the horse. They make this choice because they have built personal strength over time rather than some unique, innate gift.
If life has pushed you around to the point where you see little hope, you can do something about it. You can begin to turn things around and build resilience in yourself too, but it takes work. These four ways to build resilience are just a few tools you can use.
Get in touch if you need help using these tools or feel overwhelmed.
1. Develop Positive Automatic Thinking
The content of our thoughts strongly influences our emotional state. The thought “I am bad at my job” will eventually result in feelings of worthlessness, disempowerment and lack of motivation. It's not the only factor at play, however, research seems to indicate that altering our thought patterns on a given topic or domain of life may positively alter our emotional state. Research and practice in Cognitive-behaviour Therapy (CBT) tell us that the thought “I am poor at my job” is a negative automatic thought (AT) and is the product of momentum and habit of thought.
Automatic Thoughts (ATs) are negative thoughts occurring spontaneously when we find ourselves in challenging situations. They are judgmental and critical toward us and typically reflect our core beliefs about ourselves and the world in which we live. In contrast, positive Automatic Thoughts, or thoughts of a coping nature, create personal affect (feeling) and are strength-forming declarations. According to McKay & West (2016)1, they promote resiliency and shift our perspective, helping us effectively navigate difficult emotions and their associated conditions.
Coping thoughts help us think and feel differently about difficult situations. This method of resilience building helps you learn about your negative ATs and replace them with helpful coping thoughts. However, they must be believable. Lying to oneself doesn't work.
Step One: Replace automatic thoughts
Bring to mind a situation that often causes you stress and negative emotion. Write down the situation and how you feel about it.
Example Situation: My manager is angry with me. Automatic thought: I am poor at my job. Coping thought: This is typical behaviour of my boss and has nothing to do with my skills or ability.
Step Two: Guided exposure.
Step two usually occurs with the assistance of a coach or therapist trained to help clients on a one-to-one basis in the safety of a controlled environment. Here the practitioner will guide you through the negative experience, asking you to reconnect with the emotion. Now instead of the automatic negative thought, they'll ask you to choose an alternative but believable coping thought.
Does the associated emotion shift? Do you feel a certain release? Does it feel like you are lying to yourself?
If the alternative thought is not believable to you, then the gap between where you are and where you wish to be is too far. Like the rungs on a ladder that are spaced too far apart, you cannot climb to a higher emotional place. So instead, take a step back and consider something less dramatic or emotionally loaded, something closer to where you are and more believable. What’s the smallest step in the right direction that you can take?
Step Three: write down this coping thought.
The critical automatic thought beats us up for making a mistake. It doesn't allow us to try new things or take a chance on a good idea. Our creative energies are literally quashed before they have a chance. As such, we find ourselves on guard in case we step out of line. It is fear-based, and nothing can grow there.
The coping thought, on the other hand, lets us off the hook. It's like a good friend that looks out for our best interests, puts their arm around our shoulder, and tells us everything is ok. The coping thought allows the situation to exist but takes away the guilt and personal responsibility. The associated soothing effect of the coping thought is evidence of the impact our thoughts can have on our feelings.
Now, write this coping thought, or mantra, down on a card and keep it close. Practice it often when conditions are good rather than waiting for a challenge to arise. When a difficult situation arises, you will have the means to manage your emotional state. Your resilience will grow when you practice this new response and allow that to be your dominant thought and feeling.
2. Adopt A Growth Mindset
I'm not one to take criticism very well—that’s my biggest personal challenge. Nobody likes criticism, especially when it is uninvited. Feedback from a mentor or an otherwise invested other is different from that of somebody piping up out of the blue. Nonetheless, how we respond short- and long-term to criticism is a measure of our resilience.
Research by Gordon Atlas (1994)2 on sensitivity to criticism found that high sensitivity to criticism is related to high levels of neuroticism, depression, fear of negative evaluation, pessimism, and low levels of self-esteem. Atlas suggested that oversensitivity to criticism hinders our ability to adapt and respond to criticism, even when it is constructive and of helpful intent. Building resilience requires us to take a long hard look at ourselves in a non-judgmental way. It is the ability to examine our responses to conditions without taking feedback personally. After all, how we see ourselves is not how others see us.
Step One: Consider recent criticism you received
Think about two or three recent situations where you felt unfair criticism. This can be work, home, or leisure activity related. Write down the detail of these incidents; where it was and what you were doing, who was involved, how you were criticised, and how it made you feel.
What were the consequences or outcomes for you and others involved?
Step Two: Reframe the experiences
Now, consider how these situations may be helpful to you. How might you reframe them so that they are to your advantage? How can you grow from this? Can you become stronger and more resilient from the experience?
Write down each alternative response.
Step Three: Short affirming statements
Write down three affirming statements in your journal or notebook that you can use when you find yourself under the weight of criticism or verbal abashment.
For example, This person's critical reaction to me does not reflect my ability. I have proven my ability time and again. Or, My work will not be to everyone's taste. I can't please everyone all the time and don't need to either. I continue to do my best regardless.
Step Four: Additional strategies
Firstly, your reaction may not be an overreaction. What matters is the level of the emotional impact the other's criticism has had on you. As mentioned earlier, feeling aggrieved is normal and may pass. But if the feelings last and affect your ability to continue your work normally, if you feel fearful and withdrawn, then you may need to employ this strategy until you witness a shift in your mindset. Also, seek affirmation from those you know who support you or that have acknowledged your good work in the past.
Additional strategies for building resilience may include;
Practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that things are tough, but soothe yourself instead of criticising yourself. Imagine what you would say to a friend or loved one in a similar situation.
Don’t take what they say personally. Instead of their words being a personal attack, consider their interpretation may be flawed.
Notice the automatic negative thought that rises in you in the face of criticism and counter it with its opposite.
Repeat to yourself soothing statements such as: “I am seeking improvement, not approval” and “This result is not perfect, but I'm learning and getting better.”
Reflect on the feedback you have received and where you honestly feel it's inaccurate, speak up and offer a reason why you were right.
Take time out. Under negative emotions, we usually become defensive. If you feel hurt and feel the need to snap back, take some time to calm yourself and rethink your response.
Practice positive self-talk such as, “I did the best I could,” “my intentions were right,” “Perfection is impossible, but I'm improving,” and “everyone mistakes sometimes; that's how we learn.”
Refrain from offering thanks for unwelcome feedback. You're not obliged to be disingenuously positive under the weight of abuse. Ignore it, walk away, and find the company of those who appreciate you.
A Word of Caution: Avoid using these strategies to reinforce an unwillingness to improve and grow. It’s often easier to stay in a safe place and defend it than to step outside our comfort zone. Embrace change and learn to develop new skills.
3. Identify Emotional Avoidance Strategies
Emotional avoidance strategies are both behavioural and cognitive. Emotional avoidance is when we engage in behaviour designed to avoid experiencing powerful and unwanted emotions. Some behavioural strategies are more obvious than others, such as when a person with social anxiety declines an invitation to a social gathering to avoid distress. But we also do less obvious things such as avoiding eye contact or making an excuse to leave friendly company early.
Cognitive avoidance strategies include avoiding thinking about, remembering, or paying attention to an emotionally distressing thought. These include distraction (watching television, obsessive social media usage), rumination (repetitively going over a thought or a problem without resolution), or forcing ourselves to think of something other than the situation at hand. Emotional avoidance prevents us from realising that there is no danger. Avoidance strategies might seem to help us in the short term, however, long term, they do not serve our best interest.
Avoiding emotions (as well as other private events such as thoughts, urges, memories, and so on) is considered one of the most pathological processes we can develop. The deliberate attempt to avoid or escape difficult emotions can paradoxically increase their occurrence and intensity and diminish the effect of exposure-based strategies. Research by Steven C. Hayes has revealed that emotional avoidance predicts negative outcomes in depression, substance abuse, binge eating, and many other areas (Hayes, 2004)3.
If you find yourself engaging in emotional avoidance, here is how you may begin to untangle yourself from these unhelpful strategies.
Step One: Understand what emotional avoidance looks like
There are many mind games or techniques we use not to feel strong and unpleasant emotions, many of which play out unconsciously. Understanding what these look like is the first step in learning how to address our problems.
Here are some examples;
Binge watching television
Spending hours playing video games
Endlessly scrolling social media
Excessive alcohol intake
Smoking
Isolating ourselves from friends and family
Over-exercising
Excessive worry over things you can’t control
Prescription of illegal drug use
Self-harming
Running from difficult conversations
Lying about how you feel
Skipping work or school
Staying in bed
Excessive shopping
Binge eating
Step Two: Reflect on your avoidance strategies
Recall three situations in your life where you avoided a difficult or painful emotion or situation. They can be work-related or personal or in any other area of your life where events were hurtful, damaging or related to loss of some kind.
Now, considering each situation, write down your answers to the following questions;
What emotions were bought up for you?
How do you prevent yourself from feeling these emotions?
How effective were you in not feeling these emotions?
Step Three: Evaluate Your Responses
Finally, it is time to evaluate each situation either privately or with your coach or therapist. Consider the following questions.
What was this exercise like for you?
Can you see patterns in the emotional avoidance strategies you tend to employ? For instance, do you usually distract yourself or frequently turn to food, alcohol, drugs or even exercise to cope?
For each of the three situations, reflect on how you could have responded differently and in a more helpful way. How might the outcome have been different for you?
What insights have occurred to you, and what can you take away from this exercise?
What was easy or difficult about the exercise?
4. Allow Yourself To Fail
According to David Scott Yeager & Carol Dweck (2012)4, a growth mindset represents the idea that our most basic abilities can be developed and that personal qualities like intellect and natural talent are merely the foundation. Dweck says that holding this view helps us build resilience leading to accomplishment and success.
A growth mindset accepts failure. It understands that failure is part of life's process and allows us to make mistakes yet persist despite our discomfort. However, growth doesn't happen within the comfort zone, that space where everything is familiar, easy, and under our control. In order to learn and grow, we must be prepared to go beyond the comfort of our existing abilities and knowledge.
This visual tool, created by Hugo Alberts Phd and Lucinda Poole PsyD, was designed to help you understand the concept of moving from your comfort and experiencing growth.
Step One: Understanding The Comfort Zone
The Comfort Zone
Take a look at the comfort zone infographic above. The dark brown circle represents our comfort zone—the space where we feel things are within our control. Things are easy for us here, and we know what to expect. However, no growth or expansion takes place in the comfort zone because the patterns of thought and behaviour are repetitive and predictable.
The Fear Zone
The area immediately beyond the comfort zone is the fear zone. To learn new things we must leave our comfort zone and enter the discomfort of the fear zone. Here, we have no previous experiences to guide us, so we tend to avoid it and make excuses for why we shouldn't go. We usually retreat as fast as possible if we find ourselves there by chance. As such, the fear zone is often the most challenging part of learning.
The Learning Zone
If our resilience is sufficient, we may enter the learning zone. This is where we begin to develop new skills, cope with challenges and find answers to problems. Consequently, as we become familiar with new conditions, we extend our comfort zone perimeter and begin to feel comfortable in the new experience.
The Growth Zone
The growth zone is that psychological space where we begin to experience redefining change. The learning zone experience helps us to grow as a person, increase resilience, conquer obstacles, and create a route towards our goals. The growth zone experience is the ultimate reward for feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It represents what Maslow referred to as Peak Experience5.
Step Two: An Example of Moving through the zones
I remember the first time I faced the prospect of speaking in a room full of strangers–it was terrifying. I begged my companion not to ask me to speak, and thankfully, on that occasion, I escaped the imagined humiliation. But sooner or later, I had to face that demon. The process was gradual, and it eventually became easier. It's still a challenge today, however, but far less daunting than before.
So let's consider the man with a fear of speaking to a group at work or a small gathering such as a wedding. He has an almost pathological fear of public speaking and often considers how he might avoid these situations altogether. As such, he does so successfully but never gets to experience the associated growth.
An event at work comes up where he can no longer defer his fear. He is cornered and is now forced to face it. He is possessed by self-doubt, anxiety and stress–he is about to enter the fear zone. However, he may enter the learning zone by taking on his fear. He is learning new skills, and once he persists, he will reduce the severity of his symptoms and negative thinking, eventually expanding his comfort zone.
Now, this example is all very simplistic and perhaps sterile, but it is no less reflective of a possible series of events. If this man had stayed in his comfort zone, hemmed in by his fear, growth and development would not have been possible.
Step Three: A comfort zone situation
Think about your life, work and relationships, hobbies you've been putting on the long finger, or family problems you're avoiding. Is there something keeping you in your comfort zone?
Write out the details of your situation.
Step Four: Identifying Fears
What does your fear look like? What's going on in your body? What are the thoughts that cross your mind? What is your mental conversation? Remember, nobody's watching or judging you. You're in a safe place where no one can hear or see you.
Write down your fears.
Step Five: Identifying learning opportunities
Now, what are the opportunities you're missing out on? Are you missing promotions at work? Denying yourself a loving partnership? Are you avoiding the work you'd really love to do?
List the biggest opportunities you're missing by allowing your imagined fear to dictate your life experience.
Step Six: Identifying your potential & Taking Action
Finally, consider how your career, business or personal life would expand and grow were you to step out of your comfort zone. Allow yourself to play with it, to imagine what life would be like if nothing got in your way.
List the likely benefits of learning these new skills. These benefits must be compelling. They must weigh more than the potential for failure.
Now take the first step.
These four tools to help you build resilience may seem too difficult or even hard to understand and practice. That’s ok, there is no prescription for a happy and contented life and no manual for it either. Often, we need the help of someone who has already experienced what we are desperately trying to avoid. If this is you, get in touch if you need help using these tools.
References
McKay, M., & West, A. (2016). Emotion efficacy therapy: A brief, exposure-based treatment for emotion regulation integrating ACT and DBT. New Harbinger Publications.
Atlas, G. D. (1994). Sensitivity to criticism: A new measure of responses to everyday criticisms. Journal of Psychoeducational Assessment, 12(3), 241-253.
Hayes, S. C. (2004). Acceptance and commitment therapy, relational frame theory, and the third wave of behavioral and cognitive therapies. Behavior therapy, 35(4), 639-665.
Yeager, D. S., & Dweck, C. S. (2012). Mindsets that promote resilience: When students believe that personal characteristics can be developed. Educational psychologist, 47(4), 302-314.
Privette, G., & Brundrick, C. M. (1991). Peak experience, peak performance, and flow: Correspondence of personal descriptions and theoretical constructs. Journal of social behavior and personality, 6(5), 169.