It's Worth The Effort

Unworking Issue 011

It’s a fight I’m willing to have until the end. It’s a fight with myself and others, too, where necessary. It doesn’t always turn to conflict, and although it might, I attempt to avoid that outcome. I realise that I’ll have to let this one slide. Other times there can’t be compromise, and there are casualties. Regardless, the fight with myself goes on.

It’s in the cutting of a slice of bread, the grading of an essay, the washing of dishes, the cooking of a meal, the hoovering of a carpet, the writing of a book, the painting of a child’s bedroom or the preparation of a proposal. It’s in everything, and although I recognise my behaviour as somewhat compulsive, it has to be followed. That said, I occasionally let myself off the hook.

There is relief and peace in that, which is vital for my sanity. Otherwise, the less-than-excellent doing of it would destroy me and, in the meantime, make inhabiting this organism impossible. Although my attention to detail is essential for achieving the highest standard I can, I can’t always get there, and often don’t. And even in that failure, there is a chance to gain, to understand something I didn’t before. It is a chance to have another go tomorrow.

Why all of this?

Because the effort is worth the result, and the result is worth the effort regardless of how the outcome looks. It is a circuitous path, and in the middle of all of that, I find myself.

It is process over outcome. Outcome informs process, but always process. Unfavourable outcome? Tweak the process. Favourable outcome? Maybe tweak the process anyway, but always process.

It is a resolution of the paradox, the finding in myself that stable something upon which I can rely. A harbour in the storm or an anchor when I’m all at sea. It is a safe place in me where I can go when the praise or criticism becomes too much. It is a core of something I cannot identify but is always there regardless of conditions. It affords me benefit in the trying of something for which I’m not qualified, and I can’t find it in yesterday or tomorrow, only now.

We all have it. But if we don’t know we do, we believe in the fight and are often willing to make unrecoverable sacrifices. We become convinced that all of this out here is so important. I get lost in it sometimes, too, and forget. Then I remember and remark on how foolish this thing is that I am. But even that’s ok—it has to be. Regardless of the thought or the outcome, the effort must be worth it.

Meanwhile, no one receives an exemption from the work of figuring this out.